Well, well, well, here we are again! Where did the time go? 2016 is coming to an end, 2017 is creeping up on us, and with the end of the year comes… the holiday season, of course! And whether you feel like this is the most wonderful time of the year, or you just have a real strong connection with the Grinch, you probably have at least one holiday party to attend. And, if you’re a make-up lover, this is your time to go all out. Well, it is, but simultaneously, you’ll have to prepare for some comments on how you look.
You see, YOU get what make-up is and how it works, but that doesn’t mean your annoying uncle Bob does. You guessed it right: conservative auntie Peggy will most likely have something to say about your contour, while uncle Bob chugs another beer and asks about ‘that weird shimmery colour on your eyes’. That’s why today, I am giving you some comeback inspiration. Because truly: you should defend yourself against the horrors of Christmas dinner conversations. I mean, it’s #ClapbackSeason after all, am I right? (Search that hashtag on Twitter, it will make your day).
Let’s get to it
Okay, so let’s go over some of the possible scenarios, shall we?
- The attack: Your spoiled cousin Geoffrey stands in the door opening, probably with his Gameboy or iPad in his hands. He sees you and goes “Ew, why the fuck are you so sweaty on your cheek bones?”
Your response: “Well, Geoffrey, that’s a highlighter, and let me tell you this: it’s brighter than your future. Don’t let me come closer or I’ll blind you, watch out.”
- The attack: You come down the stairs, your smokey eye blended for the gods. You are feeling GOOD, to say the least. Your dad is standing in the hallway, his eyes meet yours, and you know: a dad joke is coming. One, two, three, THERE IT IS! “Well, I didn’t know we invited a panda over for Christmas this year! Hahahahaha!” (Because that’s what dads do: they laugh at their own jokes).
Your response: “Oh, you forgot? Yeah, you did! And here’s a little fun fact about pandas: when they feel irritated, they get really savage and ferocious, and they could slit your throat before you get the chance to say ‘But I thought pandas were cute?!’. So, yes, Harold, you invited one over, and you better watch your back, HAROLD.” Now walk into the living room and have fun for the rest of the night, without any more dad jokes. WIN!
- The attack: Auntie Peggy, remember, the bitter one who got divorced, then remarried, then divorced again, only to then remarry and get divorced once more, spots your fully beat face. She rolls her eyes and says “Oh, dear, why are you wearing so much make-up? You don’t need that! Why do you keep it on?”
Your response: “Thanks for reminding me, Auntie Peggy, I know I don’t need it, I just like playing around with it. I’ll be keeping it, if you don’t mind. Maybe you should try the same with your man the next time?”
- The attack: At the table, you’re sitting right in front of your little sister. She looks at your eyebrows, the ones you just posted on instagram with #onfleek, because, duh, and she asks: “Ehm, why are your eyebrows so heavy? They never look that sharp!”
Your response: “Well, Beatrice (sorry, I’m having too much fun with picking these names), my eyebrows are this sharp because now I can use them to cut things! First thing on my to cut-list is the crap you’re talking, OKAY, BEATRICE?”
- The attack: While Uncle Bob is cutting the turkey, he glances at you and your vampylipstick. With his ‘funny’ voice, he says “Well, who do we have here? Are you a vampire?”
Your response: “Oh, Uncle Bob, thanks for asking! You see, actually, I am. This is my coming out as a bloodsucking parasite. But don’t worry, I won’t suck your blood! I only like blood when it’s pumped around by a heart, and since you don’t have one…” Now, look around the table and enjoy the terrified expressions on everyone’s face. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!