Yoga Hosers has a very promising cast. For starters: Johnny Depp, Vanessa Paradis and – as one of the two main characters – their model daughter Lily-Rose Depp. Even Jack Depp did a little guest appearance. And as if that isn’t already enough family gathering, writer and director Kevin Smith also brought his daughter Harley Quinn Smith and his wife Jennifer Schwalbach to set.
If you’re a fan of The OC, New Girl, Teen Wolf or The Carrie Diaries: it’s your lucky day! Actors Adam Brody, Justin Long, Tyler Posey and Austin Butler joined the cast too.
A great cast equals a great movie, right? Hell no. Yoga Hosers might just be the worst movie ever.
Colleen Colette (Lily-Rose Depp) and Colleen McKenzie (Harley Quinn Smith) love yoga, their smartphones and singing in their wannabe punk band. When they get an invitation to a Grade 12 party, their biggest nightmare happens: they have to work that night! But they come up with a great solution: they invite the senior boys (Austin Butler and Tyler Posey) to come and party at the convenience store while they’re working.
What you expect: a Project X ending with a lot of drama and a ruined store. What you get: an attack by a hundred “Bratzi’s”, little nazi guys (all portrayed by Kevin Smith) made of bratwurst. Not kidding.
From Bad to Wurst
It started out as something that could’ve been a great parody of today’s teenagers, literally glued to their phones. The Depp en Smith girls both have something very ironic in their acting, so that would’ve been a nice combo. Too bad the script wasn’t funny. The only joke I laughed at was a quote on the wall of the yoga classroom.Also cinematographically Yoga Hosers wasn’t a masterpiece. At all. Sometimes it felt like I was watching a homemade short film. Especially the special effects, they almost made me cry. A hundred Wiener wursts with a Hitler mustache, shouting “Wünderbaaaar” and killing people by finding their way through their arseholes… Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, it looked as if they were added by a 7 year old me with copy/paste in Paint.
Overall, I feel sorry for Lily-Rose and Harley Quinn. If my parents would give me my first leading role in a film as bonkers and poorly written as Yoga Hosers, I think I would never talk to them again.
Halfway through the movie I was thinking that I hadn’t seen Johnny Depp yet. Only to realize that he had been there the whole time, disguised as a strange French man with a big fake nose that kinda made him look like Robert De Niro.