Louis Pisano

Worst Dressed of the 2019 Venice Film Festival by Louis Pisano

I’m sorry ladies and gentlemen, but if you’re squeamish, you might want to scroll down because it’s time to dive into the dress-sasters of the Venice Film Festival. Seriously, it was like watching a car crash in slow motion, multiple times a day, every day.

Farrah Abraham

First up, with the lingering question “Why is she here?” is MTV Teen Mom “star”, amateur porn star turned “pop culture” blogger or in her own words “actress, and producer” Farrah Abraham in what is without a doubt an attempt to grab headlines (it was successful). Farrah in what appears to be her Venetian hotel room curtains pranced onto the red carpet flashing her money maker before being quickly shooed away. I don’t know what more to say other than the dress seemed to be of the least importance to her carpet appearance and for that Ms. Abraham you hold the title for worst dressed of Venice.

Farrah Abraham

Stella Manente

In the second spot is the problematic influencer Stella Manente who notoriously expressed her desire for Hitler to rise again during Gay Pride in Milan. The only thing that needs to rise is her taste level. In a gray gown embroidered with quite amateur leaves on her thin frame she seems akin to a trellis covered in poison ivy. Quite fitting if I must say. A matching choker completes the debacle with the appearance of a plant strangling her. *sigh* One can always dream. Topped off with a matronly hair helmet the likes of which not seen since Dynasty or on a dusty dowager Stella Manente secures her spot on my worst dressed list.

Stella Manente

Candice Swanepoel

Followed up by another trying to hard look was Candice Swanepoel in Etro. Let me take a deep breath. This is Venice Film Festival. This is a red carpet. This is not waking up at your boyfriend’s house and stealing one of his shirts à la Carrie Bradshaw. This is not shopping in town in the Hamptons. This is annoying. The sexy thing you and the Etro team were going for failed to launch you anywhere except into worst dressed lists all over the internet. If the other women can take the time to get into their couture so can you… it’s simple. Kind of like you in this red carpet moment.

Candice Swanepoel in Etro

Madalina Ghenea

Oh Madalina Ghenea… if only your camouflage was working so we couldn’t see you! Unfortunately, in this case we have eyes (mine are currently burning). Does anyone have bugspray because this carpet is full of pestilence. I don’t know where to look or to start because every time I do, I wish Pandora had kept her box shut. The beaded bra under a snakeskin bustier with what looks like a rattlesnake’s tail… No, really I’m nauseous. This cavewoman couture has me wondering if you’ve been out shopping with Mrs. Flintstone. Where is Bam Bam when you need him because I’d like to knock myself out for spending this long talking about it.

Madalina Ghenea

Jasmine Sanders

Jasmine Sanders aka Golden Barbie or should I say Golden BABY because your diaper seems to be full. I’m so confused at what this is. Smurfette is that you? Whatever this Twinset creation is, it’s an ill-conceived, and badly constructed practical joke on Jasmine. It reminds me of a crumpled-up piece of paper. Where’s the trash can?

Jasmine Sanders in Twinset

Sofia Richie

Twinset really needs to stop trying to make this new “high end” line happen. I mean they flew Sofia Richie out to Europe to put her in a tucked under horribly sewed crop top and a bedsheet? Somewhere Kourtney Kardashian is having the last laugh.

Sofia Richie in Twinset

Taylor Mega

Taylor Mega wearing a mega no. Her upper half looks like she’s been wrapped in medical gauze which is fitting because this is an emergency. This reads as lingerie. Period. I’m embarrassed for her. Did I accidentally stumble in to a Victoria’s Secret store because this can’t be the Venice Film Festival red carpet.

Taylor Mega

Cristina Fogazzi

I almost feel a little bad for including Cristina Fogazzi an Italian social media-famous aesthetician in this list because she looked like she was having a good time on the red carpet, however this dress… it was a choice. Where did she think she was going? The movie was called The Laundromat and this dress looks like a dirty laundry bag. The color, the fit, the ruffle at the bottom, I could almost be convinced that she actually didn’t care what she wore.

Cristina Fogazzi

Stacy Martin

While everyone else on this list seems to have experienced an “off the rack” dress-saster, Stacy’s was an off the runway one. In my very, very humble opinion, Nicholas Ghesquiere’s Louis Vuitton just doesn’t work for the red carpet. The cape-like top with the ruching, the leather tracksuit-like top with the silver ring zipper, the camouflage embroidery, the odd sleeve, the skirt, the belt, this dress is an unsuccessful marriage of a myriad of ideas. Stacy looks like she’s about to fly into the sky and start fighting bad guys. Let’s hope she starts with herself though because this dress is criminal.

Stacy Martin in Louis Vuitton

Giulia Elettra Gorietti

Another person who seems to have been confused as to where they were going is Giulia Elettra Gorietti. Is she off to bed because this nightgown is a nightmare? Do you think she arrived in a taxi boat or a time machine? It’s so incredibly childish and fussy that one almost dares to question, is it past her bedtime?

Giulia Elettra Gorietti

Nima Benati

Now for a very special one-off category paying homage to the iconic phenomenon that was SocialiteRank, category is “Don’t Kill Yourself, You Almost Made It”.  This is neither best dressed nor worst dressed but falls squarely in between. Fashion photographer/influencer Nima Benati served us melting strawberry soft serve in a billowing gargantuan voluminous pink dress. To an untrained eye it would appear that Nima was waging a battle with a stubborn duvet cover. I applaud the effort and extra-ness of this moment, I can’t imagine that beast of a dress was easy to drag around or to have properly photographed even though it was entertaining to watch which is more than I can say for most of what we saw at Venice.

Nima Benati

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